Friday Night Bites in the ROC: Tap and Mallet

I'm an unashamed anglophile. I love almost everything British that I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing without actually setting foot in the UK. One of these days, I'm going to take a trip to England with the woman I love and the two of us are going to be the touristy Americans I'm sure the people there probably despise. We'll be easy enough to spot. I'll be quoting "Monty Python" and "Peep Show" about every 3 minutes and she'll be trying to drag me to the popular, "must-see" parts of the country that I'm only vaguely interested in. What I really want to do when I get to England is find a pub with an awesome name like, "The Yellow Fang," "The Pig and Kidney" or "The Fox and Donkey," and just settle in with a nice pint of lager, have a good conversation with some strangers and finally try to understand "footie" or soccer as we call it in the states. Until then, I'm lucky enough to live a block away from what I'm going to say is the best pub in the entire state, let alone the city of Rochester, New York: Tap and Mallet (381 Gregory St., Rochester, NY).

One snowy, February night following open-mic stand up at The Mez (now closed) my girlfriend and my best friend, Matt, decided to pop in for a post set pint or two to help the adrenaline from performing ease it's way out of my body. I was in a fantastic mood because my set had gone off extremely well and produced the most laughs I'd ever gotten since starting up my ill-fated venture weeks before. I can't tell you what beer I ordered, but it was an earthshaking experience. It was like I'd never had a beer before -at least not a real beer- and the bartender that night was so pleasant and conversational we stayed far longer than we expected just tasting the myriad, amazing brews on tap.

Since then, I've been such an unabashed fan of Tap and Mallet that it borders on an odd form of yet to be diagnosed mania. Whenever I have a friend or friends coming home to visit I don't even give them the option of going anywhere else. It's "Tap and Mallet or bust" in my book, because why would we take them anywhere else? Sure, Lux is fine and dandy for sitting amongst the hipsters drinking PBR, talking about things they really don't understand and feeling like you're nowhere near as cool as the people who run the joint, but picnic tables and a haughty atmosphere only go so far. (Still, some nights, I truly, truly love Lux when all of us are sitting around, shooting the breeze, but I digress...) At Tap and Mallet you get to have a conversation (or not, if you don't want to) and you're not surrounded by distracting television sets or an overly loud PA system playing music you haven't listened to in years. It's a genuine pub atmosphere that, aside from The Old Toad (owned by one of Tap and Mallet's co-owners, oddly enough), Rochester is severely lacking in.

SIDEBAR! The music selection at Tap and Mallet is extremely, extremely awesome. I'm always pleasantly surprised when I walk in there and hear a tune you'd never hear in a bar anywhere else in Rochester. The people who pick the music at Tap and Mallet have oodles of taste and then some. SIDEBAR CLOSED!

Tap and Mallet really is the epitome of a contemporary pub and for that I cannot thank them enough. I love that you can pick a table near the bar and drink the best beer in Rochester with a few friends and that you can actually hear what they are saying and there's no one bumping into you and there's no people 20 feet away getting so rowdy they make the entire pub uncomfortable. Even when its crowded, Tap and Mallet never seems to be overflowing, annoying or out of touch with the customer. Which is remarkable considering how crowded it gets during happy hour.

Oh, the beer. The wonderful, wonderful, out of this freaking world beer at Tap and Mallet is, in my humble opinion, unequaled by any bar or restaurant in town. Sure, some places may have some of the same beers available on a regular basis, but they don't have the selection that Tap and Mallet has when it comes to their rotating list of 30 drafts and, literally, uncountable amount of delicious bottled beers available at any given time. I'm a sucker for anything that Great Divide and Ommegang have to offer and much to my endless delight, Tap and Mallet usually has them both available in some form or another. When I check the draft list online from time to time I start to drool uncontrollably, and if I'm at work when I'm doing so there's a pretty good chance the rest of my day will be spent wondering how I can leave and go have a glass of whatever draft piqued my interest enough to start me daydreaming. (I'm starting to realize I have a "god this is amazing beer" problem, but, whatever, it's worth it.)

SIDEBAR! On tap, right now, at this very second is Great Divide's Espresso Oak Aged Yet Imperial Stout and Ommegang's Rare Vos, both are outstanding beers that I cannot suggest enough. If you are able to venture over to Tap and Mallet to try them out before the kegs are kicked, please do so. You won't regret it at all.SIDEBAR CLOSED!

Shoot, I haven't even mentioned the food yet and this was supposed to be about that, not the wonderful, awe inspiring beers available... there I go again.

Food, right the food, here we go:

Pub food has always had a slightly negative connotation attached to it and I can see why. Lots of bars in the area specialize in serving fried everything and anything that may or may not come with a side of ranch dressing (which may also be fried), but Tap and Mallet is not that kind of bar. Their menu is so diverse and delicious that I'm almost thinking calling it "pub food" is a sort of in joke the owners are playing on the unsuspecting diners. For what it's worth, I've never eaten at a pub that offers Vegan Chili, an Olive Sampler or Shrimp Tacos. Shoot, I haven't eaten at 5 star establishments that offer that kind of food selection. It really is incredible considering the lack of creativity affecting most bar-restaurants in Rochester; which makes it all the more a breath of fresh air when I sit down in a booth and have to decided between the Sirloin Cheese Steak or the Tuscan Chicken to accompany whatever incredible beer I'm sipping on.

Let's talk about the service at Tap and Mallet while I'm at it (rhyming!), because whenever my lady love and I go in late on a Saturday afternoon we've always had the distinct pleasure of being waited on by Jeana; who just may be the best waitress I've ever had or ever will have. I'm pretty sure she's see's us coming and puts the order for Poutine in before our butts hit the seats of the super comfortable booths in the dining area. Not to mention she puts up with my dawdling over the beer selection with grace and aplomb and is so knowledgeable about the different types of beer and their distinct flavor I'm sure she could write her own guide. Impressive, impressive stuff.

It doesn't matter if I'm there with my girlfriend or a group of guys, the waitstaff and bartenders are always attentive and polite and ready to help us out. We can be sitting at a booth on the inside or at a table on the patio outside, it doesn't matter. Someone always stops by to see how we're doing and if we need anything, and a lot of the time, there not even our waiter or waitress. How awesome is that? (Answer: Very.)

Now, what I'm going to say next is somewhat of a daring exclamation on my part, so be prepared: Tap and Mallet has the best desert I've ever had. Period. Full stop. It's the Scotch Ale Creme Brulee and it's quite possibly the last thing I'd ever want to taste before shuffling off this mortal coil once and for all. Some days I day dream about it while I'm working, while other days I text my friend Matt just to remind him of how unbelievably awesome it is.

So, my friends and readers, I wholeheartedly endorse Tap and Mallet with all my might and encourage you to go there any day of the week to partake in some of their fine beers or amazing cuisine.

Cheers!